September 12, 2014 I Am Toddler & Caregiver: Tricking Myself Into Doing What is Best
Dealing with c-PTSD for me can feel like I am a toddler: at times my cognition and problem solving drop out and I need to get help to do basic things. Like make toast, write a basic email, fill out a form, make a decision. The goal of all my trauma therapy at Women’s College Hospital is to give a toolbox of emotional and physical skills to help you come back from the edge. Basically to not drop out. That’s where the Parenting comes in. I”m now pretty good at seeing and symptoms in advance. And taking lots of time and asking for lots of help.
As my close friends know, the way that I first managed to get out in the world after being too afraid to leave the house for almost two years in (2008-2010) was to feel 100% safe all the time. It was a long slow process of knowing who and what was safe emotionally and who would take the best care of me. And finding that balance I started to create boundaries shutting the rest of the world out. I left the house for medical appointments and friends would come and visit me, often one on one. I chose only those who treasure me to come into my world. As the years went by, I got better and better at choosing the folks in my work and personal circles. I am now surrounded by loving wonderful emotionally aware people who factor my well-being in.
So I opened up my world a bit at a time. Adding larger art projects that involved a creative team and choosing folks wisely. No talkers, no big promisers, only folks who come through on promises and finish things. I love finishers and nurturers. Kind and responsible ones. And I started meditating almost every day. From this hard daily work, daily art therapy and trauma therapy at the hospital I have a good balance.
I can keep this calm happy rhythm going for weeks. And then at times I am reminded of the S in PTSD. I have a stress disorder. And now that I am super organized, not rushed and not stressed I have a good base of my life’s tasks and my emotional state being under calm control. When I do encounter routine stress especially when something is important to me, my cognition drops out to scary levels and my problem solving bottoms out to not being sure how to get back home. I have experience this drop out thousands of times since 2008 and each time it is terrifying because without reasoning and cognitive skills the world is terrifying.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v45Wtbk7s6I
Here is an interview with Katie Chats about my therapy art practise
So this Nuit Blanche, without city funding I don’t have the budget to hire a producer, like I had last year (I miss you Martin Edralin: who is doing amazing worldwide with his film HOLE). I have produced several small scale installations with the help of friends and interns and I will be fine here too.
If I start to try to think my way into the tasks aggressively I can’t breathe and everything goes white. My body shoots chemicals like I’m getting ready to fight a bear. Fear in the space used to leave me spiralling for weeks and it is unimaginably awful there. And when I poke through the other end I am mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted.
But if I meditate myself into the right emotional space and trick myself that I don’t HAVE to do anything, then I usually can circumvent the system. Then feeling freedom from the stress disorder I can problem solve and write emails like a champ.
So the trick is to give myself slack while the clock is ticking on a project. Perspective always helps: it’s an Art Installation, not heart surgery. And I have an amazing concept, a terrific team and wonderful support. Once I get my brain and the Mighty Brave Productions magic back, we can bring to live the best Nuit Blanche experience that the neighbourhood Dundas Roncesvalles has ever seen!
Now I’m meeting Angela Chao, a friend who also started making art because of a brain injury. Our stories are so very different but we have a lot of things in common including symptoms and experiences. We are going to meditate together and look at my notebooks when I was one year in to healing (2009). I’m now six years in.
I do think from this experience I will enlist Sue Edworthy Arts Planning again this winter to see about getting funding to get me a part time producer.
TRIANGLE: Ascension into Another Golden Age is the project I’m referring to. www.mmightybraveproductions.com/triangle
I feel better after writing out the experience.
Onward and upward
Lisa
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- Posted under art installation ideas, art therapy, dada lab experiments
Lisa Anita Wegner 
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