Lisa Anita Wegner

this is what i need to make stuff

dear exhaustion: you can be a bit overbearing, like a parent grounding me when i have to rehearse and perform the lead in the school play. i appreciate the message but sometimes i have deadlines. but you know what exhaustion?  i appreciate you telling me to ease off.  even though it took about ten people’s help and you didn’t go easy on me, i managed to get everything done,  with one day to spare.  by next week the reno on my space should be finished and that will be like heaven on wheels. greased lighting wheels.  right now i am living in a cloud of construction dust, workman, cables, floor glue, and fumes. unable to locate anything and dogs barking at every workman move. that’s exhausting on it’s own.

dear ice: please cut me some slack especially when there is water on top. you’re slippery and i’m tired. i can’t fall anymore so i’m just taking main road. thanks i know you didn’t mean it.

dear technology:  i want to thank you for being my in house creative team. thank you for  always being available to me and for knowing my own creative brain . without you i wouldn’t be so creatively free.

dear brain injury you are a worthy opponent: you can kick my ass any day. any stress (physical illness, tiredness, over working) is compounded exponentially from the divine straight to the ridiculous. the trick my body is to shut my cognition down one level at a time. so  when i’m exhausted  the world doesn’t make a lot of sense. numbers, letters, sequences, passwords, phone numbers, questions, lists, addresses all lose their meaning. i feel that people are asking me things but the signal is interrupted.  just general thought process becomes extremely difficult. an example:  a task that i do every day like brushing my teeth: find tooth brush, find toothpaste, put the paste on the brush, run under tap, brush rinse what now what? ok done. these steps become challenges in themselves. preparing my toothbrush can take twenty minutes and then i’m literally in tears from the effort.

so this gets tricky when i have to keep on top of deadlines. especially because my tricky brain is shutting down and my tricky body is also trying to stop me: shooting adrenaline like i have to fight a bear.  the general tasks to run a body (eating hygiene etc) take it all out of me.  this last month i had several screenings, an larger art/film/fashion installation is starting up production, i have art showing next week and a speaking engagement. my  biggest fantasy is a day off with no workman in my house. a sleep in without wild barking at the work. being able to go to a social event without falling asleep and being able to follow a conversation.  having appetite (my appetite drops out when i have symptoms) is appealing too.

but after what felt like endless dark tunnel of tired, today there was a crack of light. after doing a few tasks and then walking tanner,  i didn’t feel like i’d run a marathon. my brain wasn’t thinking through glue. my body is only aching a burning a medium amount!  and i don’t feel overwhelmed with every tiny task. ahhh a type of heaven. it’s not the coolest feeling needing to be taken care of: not very empowering. i needed to make sure i was fed and driven to meetings and then home again. it’s hard to ask for help, especially with the basics of living.

on a side note, i am chuffed that google has accepted my work space as a “living modern art museum”  and am continually glad despite my life being such a challenge by creative brain is on fire. writing this has been tiring but i did it.

for those who follow me on facebook you can see that the harder a time i’m having, the more creative output i have. i update there everyday http://www.facebook.com/lisaanitawegner here is some stuff that got me though the last weeks: mouth music mashup

come here me speak march 6th in toronto.  “How Art Saved My Life” this week: http://wonderwomenworld.tumblr.com/Wonderfest

i feel my thinking slipping and it goes quickly. so i will bid you farewell for now. it’s been nice to be able to talk like this.

special thanks to all those who have gone above  and beyond this last month. you know who you are. thanks for the help, the food and the drives and all the support.

i really couldn’t do it without each and every one of you.

yours till the usa drinks canada dry

lisa

Tags: brain injury, exhaustion, lisa anita wegner, ptsd, wonderfest